Trigger Warning: Rape

I went to a comedy club last night. I’ve been before, so I knew what to expect: Lots of penis, and penis of poor quality at that. To keep myself from getting too annoyed, I thought it would be fun–or at least distracting–to count sexist jokes. About two minutes in we got a domestic violence joke about Rihanna. Then I realized as an intersectional feminist I should count racist jokes, fat jokes, and homophobia too. Then I ran out of fingers to count on. Then we got a full seven-minute defense of Tosh.0 and rape jokes. Then the MC followed up the hilarious performance of the pretty blonde by sexualizing her and encouraging the audience to do the same. Then, I hung my head in shame and cried, “My God my God, you’d be totally justified in forsaking us.”

Then I came home and wrote my own stand up routine. I was inspired by three things: the hilarious blonde’s choice to turn the penis jokes on their heads (pun intended) by doing a routine about a visit to the gynecologist; the MC’s bit making fun of his homophobic friends; and Mel Brooks’ take on his own comedy:

How do you get even with Adolf Hitler? There’s only one way to get even. You have to bring him down with ridicule. One of my lifelong jobs has been to make the world laugh at Adolf Hilter.

As long as rape culture makes rape jokes acceptable, let’s use the opportunity to take these guys down. Next time you’re at an open mic, feel free to see if a few of these can’t turn the conversation around:

I mean, what’s with these guys, rapists? Are they like, (in stupid guy voice) “Well, I’m too ugly to get anyone to sleep with me any other way. (Doing best slack-jawed yokel) Uh-duuuuurrrr.”

Poor rapists, they have to work extra hard these days. I mean these self-defense classes are really working. Now that the word is out that the best moment to fight back/attempt escape from a rapist is when they take one hand off of you in order to whip it out, they have to like practice their hand-eye coordination and you know really work on phalange strength, keep their fingers nimble. Word is they’ve developed a training video. It’s called Grand Theft Auto.

What did the rapist say when his Mom tried to get him to pay rent? “Fuck you!”

Didya ever hear a rapist justify pedophilia? (In stupid guy voice) “How was I to know she was a kid! All my adult women friends carry baby dolls around!” Yeah. Hey rapist, is that so they can show the doctor where you hurt them, too?

Hey did you hear about what’s happening at UNC? Apparently a student was told she violated the honor code by speaking out about her rape. She was like, “Ummm, I think you may have confused the honor code with the bro code.”

A rapist walks into a bar. Nobody notices.

Man, these poor guys in Steubenville. I mean, what are they gonna do with their lives? For a whole year they’re not going to be the most privileged people in their community! It’s unconscionable! And now, for the rest of their days, they’re always to going to be those guys that elicited the sympathy of an entire nation. Tough break.

What did the rapist say when his mom threw him out of her house? “Fuck you!”

Two rapists walk into a bar. “Ow!” they say, “That hurts!” So I’m like, “Just lie back and enjoy it, motherfuckers.”

A rapist, a priest, and Roman Polanski walk into a bar. The bartender looks ’em over and says, “Help me out here. Which of you is which?”