An office. A fluorescently lit, cubicley structured, windowless, office.

Scene one

A: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

B: Well, if I could ask – the ad was a bit vague – what are the qualifications for this job – I mean, what are you hoping to – looking to – possibly – what are the – ?

A: No I’m asking you – what qualifies you for this job?

B: Well, I imagine a number of things, actually, but I’d love to speak specifically about your requirements and expectations, so if you could –

A: But what qualifies you for this job above the other people applying for this job?

(Pause.)

B: Well, umm, I don’t know any of the other people applying for this job, but …

A: So you are not better than they are?

B: No, I just – I mean, I’ve never met them, but… yes. Sure, yes, I am better than they. Are.

A: How so?

B: Well, (deep breath) I think that I particularly can fill the particular needs of your job by applying to your particular department’s particular needs the particular skills that I have particularly developed over many years of particular study and practice.

(Pause.)

Right?

A: Umm, sure. Right. Whatever.

Scene two

C: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

B: Well, I think that I particularly can fill the particular needs of your job by applying the particular skills that I have particularly developed over many years of particular study and practice to your department’s particular needs. Right?

(Pause.)

C: Umm, sure. Right. Whatever.

Scene three

D: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

B: Really, none. None at all. Not a single one of the things you’re looking for.

D: (enthusiastically) Great!

(Pause.)

But don’t expect to hear from us.

Scene four

E: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

B: Well, I definitely have some of the ones that you want, and also others that you didn’t realize you wanted but that it turns out you really do want.

E: That sounds complicated.

B: It is.

(E just stares at B. B clears her throat. E continues staring.)

Scene five

F: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

(B is silent.)

F: So, what qualifications for this job do you particularly view yourself as having?

(B is silent.)

F: The pay is terrible.

(B is silent.)

F: Benefits are minimal.

(B is silent.)

F: I could get 20 different people to do this job as well as you.

(B is silent.)

F: We’ll be in touch.

End of play