A Woman and Her Doctor
a short play by Holly L. Derr

Scene One

A WOMAN and her DOCTOR.

Doctor A: What can I help you with today?

Woman: I’m here for procedure 132.

Doctor A: Procedure 132.

Pause.

Doctor A: Procedure 132A or 132B?

Pause.

The DOCTOR hands her a pamphlet.

Woman sighs.

Scene Two

A WOMAN and her DOCTOR.

Doctor A: What can I help you with today?

Woman: I’m here for procedure 132B.

Doctor A: Procedure 132B.

Pause.

Doctor A: With or without corollary 1?

Pause.

The DOCTOR hands her a book.

Woman sighs.

Scene Three

A WOMAN and her DOCTOR.

Doctor A: What can I help you with today?

Woman: I’m here for procedure 132B without corollary 1.

Doctor A: Procedure 132B without corollary 1.

Pause.

Doctor A: Have you filled out form 44-7?

The Doctor hands her three reams official looking carbon copy paper.

Woman sighs.

Scene Four

A WOMAN and her DOCTOR.

Doctor: What –

Woman: I’m here for procedure 132B without corollary 1 here is my form 44-7 please don’t tell me I have to answer any more questions or fill out any more forms you’ve got to do this today now here now today.

Pause.

Doctor A: Ooookay. I’ve just got to get confirmation from Doctor B.

Doctor B enters.

Woman: I’m here for procedure 132B without corollary 1 here is my form 44-7 please don’t tell me I have to answer any more questions or fill out any more forms you’ve got to do this today now here now today.

Doctor B (looking at forms): Oooookay, everything looks to be in order here. Doctor A, I assume you have your 431 Certification?

Pause.

WOMAN sighs.

Scene Five

A WOMAN and her DOCTOR.

Doctor A: What can I help you with today?

Woman (opens mouth to speak): –

The phone rings. Doctor A ignores it. After four rings, it stops.

Woman (opens mouth to speak): –

The phone rings. Doctor A ignores it. After four rings, it stops.

Woman (opens mouth to speak): –

The phone rings. Doctor A ignores it. After four rings, it stops.

Long pause.

Woman (opens mouth to speak): –

Doctor B enters in a rush.

Doctor B: Doctor A! We need you in room 26C stat!

Doctors A and B exit in a rush.

Woman sighs.

Scene Six

A WOMAN surrounded by four DOCTORS.

Doctor A: She wants procedure 132B without corollary 1. Here is her form 44-7.

Doctor B: You have your 431?

Doctor A (handing her a certificate): Here.

Doctor C: Your 228?

Doctor A (handing her another): Here.

Doctor D: Your 564?

Doctor A (and so on): Here.

Doctor B: Your 638?

Doctor A: Here.

Doctor C: Your 499?

Doctor A: Here.

Doctor D: Your 763?

Doctor A: Here.

DOCTOR E enters in a rush.

Doctor E: Doctors A through D! We need you in room 26D stat!

All the DOCTORS exit in a rush.

The WOMAN sighs.

Scene Seven

WOMAN A is in recovery room. NURSE enters. Picks up clipboard.

Nurse: Procedure 132B, huh?

Woman: Yep.

Nurse: How you feeling?

Woman: Glad it’s over.

Nurse: But I mean, how are you feeling?

Woman: Relieved.

Nurse: But. I mean. How are you … feeling?

Pause.

Woman: Fine.

Pause.

Woman: Why do you ask?

Nurse (checking off boxes): Just making sure. (Big smile.)

STATE SENATOR enters. Everyone talks very quickly, smiling ear to ear.

Nurse: Looks like she’s ready to go, Senator Blowme!

Woman: Umm, excuse me, I asked for a private room –

Senator Blowme: Of course, that’s what tipped us off. (To NURSE: ) She’s sure?

Nurse: She’s sure!

Senator Blowme: No regrets?

Nurse: No regrets!

DOCTOR A enters. NURSE hands him clipboard.

Woman: I want to go home.

Senator Blowme: Looks like she’s ready to go!

Doctor A: Okay. Looks like you’re about ready to go –

Woman: Thank God.

Doctor A: To the procedure room!

Woman: What? I already –

Doctor A: For procedure 132B without corollary 1!

Woman: You have got to be kidding me.

Doctors B-E enter and along with the NURSE and SENATOR they wheel her out, cooing at her, humming little tunes, and generally soothing her.

Doctor A: Just had to be sure you know. Wouldn’t want you to have any regrets! Bon voyage! Happy travels! Have a good one! Catch you on the other side! Missing you at home! Send us a card!

They are gone. DOCTOR A alone in room.

Long pause.

Doctor A: Fuck this job.

Scene Eight

WOMAN in recovery room. FRIEND enters.

Long pause.

Woman: Take me home?

Friend: Any time.

Woman: Thanks.

Woman sighs.

End of play.